"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. "Marianne Williamson
Daily life can pass us by with a mix of responsibilities, choirs and worries combined, which leaves much of our time thinking and using our mind to navigate through the world. We rarely take time to ourselves and if we don’t make time for loving ourselves it impacts our wellbeing. Without you knowing it the most important love of your life is YOU.
Your heart is the centre of your entire being and if you learn to connect to it with kindness it helps lead you to state of true happiness.
I have to admit this is not a quick process, this inner journey of removing blocks and accepting our vulnerabilities takes time. You can begin with meditations and visualisation to love you.
"Loving ourselves points us to capacities of resilience, compassion and understanding within that are simply part of being alive. " The force of kindness Sharon Salzberg
Today’s world is competitive and society has evolved where we don’t always feel good about ourselves - humans naturally use weakness to drive how one feels about ourselves or even worse blame someone else for our flaws and we constantly put ‘GOOD ENOUGH’ out of reach, forming a cycle of self judgement whereby the beating ourselves up causes insecurities, anxiety or depression. Self compassion in this article looks at how to stop judging ourselves as good or bad and simply accepting oneself with an open heart and treating ourselves with kindness as we would with a friend.
A key principle followed in daily life in the east is self compassion. The Buddha highlighted how can one be kind to others if your continuing to criticize yourself – your forming a separateness. We as humans are all flawed and fragile and its about seeing the suffering and not condemning you. What Neff highlights in her book is don’t misunderstand self compassion to be part of indulgence, but give your self some unconditional kindness in this human experience and avoid these destructive patterns of fear, negativity and isolation. If we can tap into this self love we will begin to feel secure and transform this suffering into a state of peace and acceptance of who you are as you are.
Self Definition
We all do it - judge ourselves identify our own identity, maybe you call yourself angry, shy or lazy.
Maybe check on yourself what labels do your define yourself as:
· How often do you display the trait of self labelling ?
· Are there any circumstances in life these traits happen?
· What causes these traits from outside experience or person ?
Self judgement Is an ongoing process we are always fulfilling a need for positive self evaluation like stuffing ourselves with cake then getting a sugar high and crashing soon after. After we fall we get into a form of despair and realise we cant blame others for issues we have and we tend to look at ourselves as flaws and repeat ‘Im not good enough’.
We lose faith in ourselves and that feeling of hopelessness and self pity spiral out of action. Todays society is brewing with insecurity, anxiety and depression and due to self judgement we often are unable to come out of it.
How do we stop judging?
It really is up to you to choose how you react and stop labelling yourself from a negative angle and simply begin to accept ourselves as we are. This is were self compassion comes in - we show ourselves some kindness. One lesson I have learnt in all my pursuits of volunteering and working at NGO we often want to reach out but in Buddhism first we have to care about ourselves before we can care for others. If you are labelling yourself with negative self talk but at the same time taking care of others -you are forming a divide from the oneness with others.
Through self compassion we are allowing ourselves to show kindness and avoid destructive patterns of fear or negativity. We all need to nurture our souls and if we can find a way to be in that state of kindness we can finally stop the questions ‘ Am I good enough?’
By showing some kindness and accepting our imperfections we can all start to feel secure , accepted and more alive. I needed that transformation for years the suffering was a way I allowed myself to fall into a state of sadness and only till I learnt I could remove these negative knots and become more at peace did my life then change.
Lessons of this change involved understanding how do I react when I come across challenges in life. I generally ignore the feelings and was not always aware this relates to suffering causing anxieties. Happiness will happen if you can allow it to flow and go along with life ,don’t resist it accept things and find self compassion it will help navigate the storms we come across.
When reading Kristin Neff's book an interesting point she raised was self compassion is a more effective method of achieving ones goals than motivation. Her justification was that when we are in a space of love we are confident and secure, whereas the feeling of fear causes insecurities and low self esteem. When talking about self compassion it’s not a crazy wellness fad but a real way to be healthy and happier by changing patterns we have and dealing with any dysfunctional emotions by allowing us to reach our dreams and desires, without limitations. Although people feel self criticism is a way to learn from lessons and grow and set high standards.
Self compassion however allows us to be less resistant ,but when we fear of failure we procrastinate since the tasks ahead may feel daunting, maybe you think your unworthy or incapable. Instead of facing our fear we avoid situations to avoid feeling failed. But without courage we cannot grow we cannot overcome these fears and we stay in our limited possibilities. All those dreams and desires still not reached because we are the ones causing them or we make excuses that others have caused our failures rather than taking responsibility and acknowledge we need to use self compassion for any short comings.
Perfectionism is also on the rise often for many failure is not an option with overwhelming life situations trying to maintain a stable job,relationship, finances, wellbeing, social life(insta) which will lead to anxiety and less quality of life. For young people ‘having it all’ or being better than others seen on social media feels like im falling behind. If only we faced the reality that life is complex and we don’t have to fight it or compare but face what we cant change and change the way we feel about having it all.
The self compassion recipe that Neff highlights in her book are:
· Self kindness – means stopping self judgements
· Common humanity connection with others rather than feeling isolated
· Mindfulness is a way to achieve that sense of peace and love
Mindfulness for self compassion
You cant stop the waves, but you can learn to surf (Kabat Zinn)
Mindfulness is a key to self compassion which is being able to see more clearly in a non-judgemental acceptance of the present moment. To give yourself compassion first we need to accept that we are suffering - you cannot heal what you cannot feel or admit to. When we fail or fall short instead of accepting the pain we focus on the failure. As humans we tend to avoid pain or face it and only till we are are our depth of depression through therapy allows us to delve into depth of feelings we harbour anger,repression ect.
Mindfulness is a good way to be in the present and help form a balanced awareness that is the foundation of self compassion. Instead of being overwhelmed and getting lost in our personal dramas, mindfulness will give perspective to step back.Mindfulness is a way we can stop resisting : Pain is unavoidable: suffering is optional’
We cant sometimes change our situation not always but the point of mindfulness is to understand somethings that cannot be changed and accept what is. A prayer that is often read at Alcohol Anonymous
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference’
To become mindful you have to train our brains and become more aware of what is happening to us moment to moment. This is a learnt skill making us become more engaged and allowing us to live more aware and deal with challenges better. If I become angry I become consciously aware of this feeling of discomfort and it allows me to respond wisely to this feeling.
Respond don’t react
Mindfulness allows us a sense of freedom since you don’t have to believe everything you think is true - so as your thoughts pass question if they are all true. You can instead focus on what’s worth paying attention to and what not to pay attention to. Mindfulness allow us to sit back and review the accuracy of our thoughts and whether we should respond. For instance if you feel insulted by something someone said , by being mindful during interactions you can recognise how you feel and if your angry you don’t have to react. You let your self be in a mental space to consider the options. I get that we cant always be mindful in that moment in traffic or heated conversation that propels but you can be mindful after and think about what happened and how you reacted – did you regret your reaction and are the amends you can make for the future.
What is the Ego?
These ego cycles are a kind of self serving distortions, we do it because we want to be safe in society. Part of the self identity theory is we tend to maintain a good level of self esteem so we associate to groups and ideas that belong to a group that are well defined and respected. Since we do not want to be judged by others or be outcasted we judge ourselves. For instance I had the habit of saying I look so fat or im terrible at that – I was vocalising my self criticism. The reason we do this is defensive mechanism whereby we don’t wish to be rejected by others, a survival instinct, so if we judge ourselves in front of others they will have sympathy for me and instead of judge me will assure me.
How self criticism was translated for me it was a safety behaviour to be accepted by other groups.Part of modern society is social media instead of connecting us it has caused more divide and depression why because a sad result we humans have is social comparison other peoples success and happiness makes us feel bad often.
Even worse we form group identities that have been a major cause of discrimination in society. If only we are aware of the connectedness we have to others we would feel more joy and any bad judgement on others is harming ourselves since we are one. Wayne dyer insisted ‘ Wish more for others than yourself first’ since through positive affirmation we gain from their happiness. Instead of seeing ourselves as a separate entity try and see yourself as a interconnected whole this way our self esteem will be based on something much greater than our small selves and we will feel Free.
Self criticism is a cultural behaviour in western society - when the Dali Lama was asked how to help others from low self esteem – one thing he highlighted those in modern cultures are we are always trying to achieve dreams we can’t attain and end up blaming ourselves when we have not reached them. In Taiwan they have a strong Confucian whereby criticism is a motivational force a was their culture in Taiwan allows them to achieve goals through pushing themselves harshly. However in Thailand where Buddhism exists, self compassion is relates to a life of more peace and calm whereas in countries like Taiwan there is a strong correlation of depression.
Another factor driving lack of self compassion can be based on those unsupportive family backgrounds can result in those not trusting others forming a very gradual state of fear. For myself whereby as a child my mother constantly cowering at me on my inability to do certain things, be on time, be tidy, smile and as a very shy child she would highlight my inadequacies. What happened as a result was these inadequacies effected my relationships and I would interact with more people that criticised me or made me feel as I did in my childhood, since it was coherent with my belief of myself. So when you keep wondering why do I keep meeting the wrong guy or friends treat you a certain way – it’s a form of rejection your familiar with confirming that feeling of worthlessness.
My relationship with my farther, who after leaving us at the age of 6 left my relationship with him fractured till we stop communicating completely. His lack of love and abandonment left me feeling rejected. Almost every relationship ended up failed, I was recreating the feeling of the unloved girl, I was and even worse self judging myself. These insecurities resulted in self harm from my feeling of inadequate and abusive self harm in the form of alcohol addiction and recklessness were really attempts to externalise emotional pain. If self crisis continues for years and you don’t heal there are negative patterns of life choices, a way to escape pain or life itself. Only till I realised through therapy that the feelings I had were a habit I got used to beating myself and devaluing myself.
The only way to help myself was therapy and learning to replace my feelings with kindness rather than the self inflicted pain. Self compassion is a way to see how we can stop self judgement and instead of finding ways to condemn failures we accept and respond just as you would to a friend. As you would talk to a friend allow yourself to be emotionally moved by your pain and make peace by sympathy as true way of heeling. This is not a form of self pitty its more acknowledging how you feel and facing it. For some of us self compassion is hard since we have an innate feeling of undervalued especially if as a child that’s what you experienced. It may even just be you became habitual in self criticism and self compassion becomes so difficult to attain but you can and YOU WILL.
Caregivers
As humans we survive on fight and flight it also forms part of the protective mechanism whereby animals that are protective are more likely to pass these genes to offspring. Therefore mammals are born with a form of attachment bond between caregivers and young. Reptiles don’t have this attachment they rarely care for offspring after hatchings often consuming them whereas mammals will spend time nurturing and making sure they have the adequate food and safety to grow. Mammals are therefore designed to not abandon their young they are biologically naturally affectionate and after birth would not allow their young to wander into the wild, as he young rely on their caregivers.
In a study by Harry Harlow on newborn monkeys separated from their mothers and reared in cages alone. They were given the option of a soft toy pretend mother that would provide a form of comfort and a mesh-wire monkey figure holding a milk dispenser. The monkeys chose the soft toy which they clung onto only used the dispenser for a quick drink then ran back to their pretend mother indicating they opted for care over food survival. Secure attachment theory is if a child’s need is met such as being comforted when crying they end up having a secure base which often provides them with confidence to explore the world around them since they know help is there. For children without the attachment bond with parents inconsistent love then they grow into a world they lack trust and this extendeds to adulthood. This can often be in the unconscious and develop in relationships where people often do not feel worthy of love. Self compassion can help release this deep rooted issues that can be overcome.
Self compassion towards yourself is a way of soothing oneself and tapping into that caregiver relationship. Self kindness allows you to feel safe and responding warmly we change how our body and mind feel. There are many methods to overcome these caregiver issues and insecurity from childhood can be overcome and as an adult people can find loving partners and learn to have happy lives feeling safe and loved. In this article all the exercised in self kindness are key and tis not about you seeing yourself as a problem that needs fixing but acknowledge you are a valuable human being worthy of care and love. It’s a process that will need let going of the insecurities and allowing ourselves to feel loved and be confident we can pursue a fulfilling and happy life. Compassionate Mind training (CMT) is a technique used by many therapists which has shown to be successful for those hat have ingrained feelings of defectiveness and inadequacy.
Self compassion also needs to be considered in the moment of an event we automatically react to but by nature we respond to adversity by dealing with it in a problem solving manner but instead take time to tend to our emotion and respond with kindness to how we feel. Say I am aware im suffering and I will respond by embracing myself with compassion.
How does suffering happen?
We tend to compare our realises to our ideals – so if reality matches our desires we are happy if it does not we are in suffering mode. The process of how suffering occurs is our resistance to pain. WE CANNOT AVOID PAIN IN LIFE. Our emotions when we suffer are caused by our desires not being met and we resist whereby pressure builds but if you become aware of suffering the pain will release and disappear instead of fighting it.
An old native wisdom story tells of a Cherokee teaching his grandchild about life.
‘A fight is going on inside me’ he said to the boy
‘It’s a terrible fight between two wolves, one is evil , angry, sad, regretful, greedy, arrogant, superior, pride and egotistic. The other is good, with joy, peace, love,hope, empathy, generous, kind and faithful. The same fight is going on with every person.
The grandchild asks ‘Which wolf will win?’
The Cherokee said ‘The one you feed’
Therefore in mindfulness you can be in the present and better shape how you react and your future with more clarity.
Depression , anxiety or deep rooted issues cant always be resolved with just mindfulness often we can get stuck in this cycle of negativity. Self compassion and self esteem should not be mistaken for Narcissism. Narcissists often hope their greatness will be admired and if they are put down their reaction is often fury and violent. If you know any Narcissist you will see their ego and need for respect is constant
Compassion Fatigue
Those that are caregivers nurses, therapists and carers can burn out this is also known as secondary traumatic stress. Research from Neffs book shows that carers trained in self compassion are are less likely to experience compassion fatigue since they do try to engage in acts of self care (massage, sleep more, eat well). The hardship of being a caregiver will need self compassion to fill those reserves that are exhausted for others. Self compassion for carers include:
· Take a walk in nature using mindfulness
· Yoga everyday for 30min
· Do a compassionate body scan
Self compassion also includes forgiving those that have hurt us. If we can let go we are less bitter we can heal emotional wounds and the work of self compassion becomes easier. IF we have been hurt its not agreeing that condoning bad behaviour but in your own time humanity is one and if we know people also have a story that led them to the callous behaviour. For my Loving kindness practices are a way I also overcame grudges.
What this blog has reviewed is mostly how we relate to our failures with self compassion and it may seem hard to see what's right about ourselves for instance im the first to feel uncomfortable accepting compliments. I had to adjust and start accepting praise. So part of my journey and you should try too is accepting this self appreciation and compliments as being worthy of it.
Buddhism calls this mudita ‘Sympathetic joy’ when kindness and humanity is applied to others it is manifested as compassion when it is applied to ourselves it is self compassion. If we are not able to open our heart and if our heart stays closed we remain unmoved by life's sorrow. It’s a way we may shut out pain a way of avoiding feeling overwhelmed by negative emotion which can lead to our own suffering internally. Through self compassion by responding to our own pain we allow for happiness.
If we can walk through triumph or tragedy of life we learn to relate with kindness its human to have joy and sorrow but why not stop and look at your life with marvel and appreciate rather than only see what’s broken to be fixed. Take this gift of self compassion in your life , accept your weaknesses, look at what brings you pleasure and open with love to celebrate your strengths. Lets not keep trying to be perfect or comparing ourselves but try and accept and love ourselves its not easy but can open up to looking to transformations that can change us.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves. Who am I to be - brilliant, gorgeous, talented , fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of GOD. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing about enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do.We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine , we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson, A return to Love
Self Compassion Practices
Hugging Practice:
It may seem strange but we respond to physical gesture of warmth and care and physical touch does release Oxytocin needed to help us feel secure and safe. You can hug yourself by folding your arms round yourself and comforting yourself like your hugging yourself.If your outside with others around you can do it in a non obvious way we tend to naturally fold our arms.
Begin by trying it a couple of times a day it should feel warm and calming and it can be a habit to do if you need that tenderness. Self compassion body soother is a good technique to also help tackle this reoccurring emotions.
Body Soothing Practice:
When a difficult experience happens or emotion reoccurs this exercise is a way to process it
· Sit comfortably or lie flat on your back
· If you have a difficult feeling or emotion begin with closing your eyes and try and locate where in your body you feel it (thought, heart, stomach)
· Try and describe the feeling is it burning, tightness any pain?
· Soften your resistance to the feeling and try and send it compassion and acknowledge to yourself its difficult. If you find you drift into thinking about emotion negatively draw yourself back to the pain you feel in your body and bring your awareness to it.
Repeat the mantra below or create your own it’s a handy tool to use anytime:
This is a moment of suffering .
Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself at this moment
May I give myself compassion I need to get through this
As you give yourself compassion notice it changing the sensation or it lessons as you keep giving yourself compassion and love through self talk.
Does it become easier?
Getup and stretch after and allow yourself to go about your day
Non Judgement Practice
Trigger :Next time when you feel down or something has caused you to feel hurt perhaps someone has said something to you that hurt you.
Reaction: Give yourself compassion instead of bad judgement and stroke your arm and express empathy not critical judgment
Ask yourself
What am I feeling?
What am I observing?
Do I have a request of myself?
Listen to the answers and respond with kindness
Changing your self talk practice:
This exercise can be done in a journal or self dialogue but try it for a few weeks.
When the self critic voice happens inside us and think about what you say to yourself. Listen to how you respond to yourself is it true?
Start to try and change that voice replacing self judgement with compassion even state please be kind it hurts when I say bad things. Make sure you are acting in kindness and supportive rather than critical
Remember we all have human imperfections but respond with kindness and care it’s a habit we have to change not be so hard on ourselves we deserve happiness and love even to ourselves.
Tear down inner walls practice
Relax , close your eyes and breath till you feel calm
Imagine you are somewhere beautiful in nature and in front of you is a wall that symbolises the blocks in your life
Connect with the wall – you may be afraid of it but your going to break it down
Take it down brick by brick and see yourself on the other side of the wall and breath then open your eyes and go about your day.
Create your on power love mantra practice
Affirm the beautiful, unlimited and magnetic person you are as a mantra.
Make repeating in front of the mirror a daily ritual with more affirmations you can create of use the below
I am ready and open to love myself
· I create time and space to make this happen
· I am ready to embrace my unloved parts, forgive myself and allow closeness in my life
· I release anything that might hold me back
· I am source of my own abundance and love
Meet your angel of love practice
Find a quiet place where you can relax
Imagine yourself walking barefoot along a beach, the water full of healing crystals and you feel their vibrations
You see a temple along the beach and you walk in and you see your alter to love
Bow thanking all the love in your life and all you have
An angel walks to you and you are surrounded by its golden light of unconditional love
Ask the angel
How do I open my heart?
What is my purpose in life?
Is there anything that is stopping me from my true purpose?
How can I clear my blocks in life?
Next thank the angel and walk out the temple and back along the beach feeling happy breath and comeback to yourself – Let the answers come to you in anyway they will appear just trust.
Create a Self Love playlist
As you start to heal old issues, consider what you will replace them with. As part of the process make yourself a self love play list of your favourite love songs as if to serenade yourself. This will help open your thought chakra helping with your authenticity. Once you practice self love this will open your soul and the souls of others around you. Start loving yourself as much as you would to others and see your inner light begin to shine
One last thing for more self love give your self a shake and sing along and dance to Just Do you by India Arie
Just Do You by India Arie
I heard a voice that told me I'm essential How all my fears are limiting my potential Said it's time to step into the light and Use every bit of the power I have inside
So what's you waiting on (what's you waiting on) Who You waiting for If you don't take a chance, you'll never know what's in store
Namaste x
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