Stress is something everyone wants to avoid mainly because it causes us to feel fear, anxiety and creates worries, which are all emotions nobody wants to harbour. Worry more than anything is our mental mind trying to get control before an unpleasant event happens, while fear is an emotion resulting from immediate threats. This blog aims to look at types of emotions causing stress and understand why it happens and what we can do to overcome it. The blog is based on research from Dr Horowitz book on managing pressure of stress from a psychological perspective.
I chose to talk about stress since a new study shows the average British adult spends 12 hours 35min a week feeling stressed – that’s a lot right? For me stress became prevalent at work, when overwhelmed from pressure ,lack of support and workplace grievances impacted my health. I would say it was the main cause of my originally acute anxiety that overtook my life and became unmanageable and it was only till I stopped and stepped back I saw where I lost control. I became less productive and just stifled from a constant state of flight-or flight response, which more often than not was me not being able to know how to cope.
What we need to take on board however is although we know stress is bad for us it’s a normal emotion and part of living and the less we fear it, the more healthy we can live and embrace it in a way to help us cope. Dr McGonigal Stamford psychologist suggests we can view stress as a 'Signal of meaning’ if we try not to stress out about things that don’t matter to us : stress is almost a sign there is something going on that we care about.
Often when faced with a situation going wrong the feeling of fear occurs and what Dr McGonigal highlights that those uncomfortable feelings are in fact healthy since they help us adapt to change and adapt faster by not being overwhelmed.
Physically would you believe stress caused me to stutter, bring on IBS, body paralysis from shock, which were all gradual signs my body was trying to tell me I needed help and I was suffering. The impact of prolonged stress tends to put the body in a state of readiness whereby the system is overworked and this weakens the immune system causing issues of heart, weight management, onset of cancer, depression, insomnia, digestive problems, memory impairment and overall imbalance in the body.
Pain is inevitable Suffering is optional -Hauki Murakani
How we create suffering from our worries a Buddhist perspective?
The Dali Lama states that suffering is part of your daily exitance which most humans do not want. But it is our attitude to suffering that allows us tolerance to it. For the Dali Lama he draws on the people of Tibet and how they were able to overcome suffering – if your daily outlook is to avoid suffering at all costs – this can cause anxiety since you will often feel overwhelmed at any negative circumstance. However if humanity could accept suffering as part of existence than we can tolerate and find a way out. According to Buddhist Teachings the cause of suffering are ignorance, craving and hatred – which are the three poisons of the mind.
Dali Lama suggests when life becomes too complicated and we are stressed and overwhelmed ; it is often useful to stand back and remind ourselves of our purpose and goal. When faced with feeling of confusion and stress it may be helpful to take an hour or afternoon and reflect on what truly brings us happiness and then reset our priorities to put life back in proper context. Reflect on what is of value in life of gives meaning -check your priorities. We were not born to harm others or cause trouble in our or others life. In Buddhism its suggested to develop basic good qualities -warmth, kindness and compassion for more peace.
Finding meaning
A healthy level of stress actually helps us develop and attain our goals -this does not mean anyone stress free is happy. The real challenge for many of us is to understand what exactly makes us feels stressed. Martin Seligan pioneer in positive psychology argues measuring your life on just what is pleasant is not the route - he highlights some key things that are realistic routes to happiness
A pleasant life – When you have many skills and pleasures are you making the best of them ?
A good life - What are your strengths and how can you use them in friendships, family, work in really being engaged?
A meaningful life - Having a bigger cause maybe in service to another is meaning not just fun but purpose that helps us ?
How do I create meaning?
"He who has why to live for can bear almost anything "-Victor franklin
Victor franklin an Austrian Psychologist that survived the Holocaust ,had spent his career understanding meaning in life and even during his time at Auschwitz.
He stated if you make accomplishments and feel worthwhile which include make meaning in your experiences and have a meaningful attitude do something valuable – meaning through giving and offering service to those that need help. A meaningful life includes:
Purpose – having life goals that guide your choices
Comprehension – understand life experiences and see them as a whole
Mattering – feeling what your going through is valuable
Feeling in control
Self control is key in that momentary stress, so its advised to try not to be tempted to react but rationalise the response and override the feelings you are currently undergoing at that moment - this can often help manage your mood and step back rather than reacting irrationally.
What your doing is challenging those stressful thoughts -understood there is a limit to what you can control but by reminding yourself that you have the power of how you react to a situation. The process of taking back control is not changing how others behave or react but how you cope and respond which can be controlled.
Breaking the Worry Cycle
A lot of people tend to stress about something that has not happened yet or something that already has not being in the present moment. If your like me I have inherently always being a worrier and only through learning about how to manage them did I overcome this cycle. If your like me, which I hope not, I tend to worry about a lot of things
Maybe you are a worrier - worrying about your health, your kids, your rent , the economy or so many other things. By the time you start worrying about things that have not happened the moments you are in the state of worry , your not in the present moment. When we worry we are creating a negative future about things that have not happened, so take a deep breath bring yourself to the present moment and focus on the now . We often worry about things outside our control causing anxiety or self inflicted suffering since we choose to give it that attention.
Ask yourself is it in my control, if it is not , let it go and let the universe deal with it ; if it is in your control stop wasting time worrying and come to that place of responsibility and see what you can do to resolve it. We unconsciously use worry as a distraction sometimes – worry can actually become an addiction as a way to feel terrible, or high, or even to punish yourself. You have control on what you choose to focus on, where your thoughts go and what interpretation am I giving to this situation. Become more powerful and effective to shift your reality to change things around and you can act from a place of clarity.
Thomas Borkovec psychologist gave some ideas of 4 steps to follow to deal with worries:
Identify which of your thoughts and feelings are forming worry.
Set aside your worry moment a time in the day for you to think about them then don’t allow yourself to indulge in the rest of your day
If you do start worrying outside your worry moment stop yourself and postpone them till your next worry session
During your worry time find a solution or check is it serving you well how can you shift the thought
Obsessive worry can get into a spiral or negativity but I started to notice a pattern and really broke out of this. I used some steps to get myself to shift from worrying to a better mental state:
Changed my environment can help -I would go for a walk to try and change my state
Create a different emotional mood - listen to some relaxing soothing music or a comedy film helps me
Engage in a hobby – you need to shift to fun and distraction.
Challenge yourself- create a flow start an online painting class see how you go you don’t have to paint a Picasso perfect but its fun
Calm – Engage in some meditation follow an online class or do the 4 count breathing(close your eyes and count slowly to 4 as you breath in and the same as you breath out do this a few times and see your overall psyche change)
Worry isn’t worth what it can cost… After all, most of what we worry about never happens. Seth Gilliham
The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another William James
During my counselling session a good way to manage worry and uncertainty is a reaction sheet why not try it use the following to answer;
How has needing certainty helped or hindered me?
If its hindered me how did I cope?
If I don’t know what will happen do I predict the worse?
How likely is something bad going to happen?
Is there a chance I can live through that?
Are there uncertainties I can tolerate?
Is there anything I can learn?
Destress Your mind
The reason I started Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) was it was recommended as a way to help me cope with my worry and self esteem.
An exercise I was often used during my practice was ask myself the following questions to help change my thinking get me out of my norm of negative self talk.
Next time you experience something concerning why not try asking yourself:
1. Identify the thought that is bothering you?
I’ve taken on too much at work and cannot do it everyone thinks I have failed
2. How much do you believe this thought?
Assign a percentage maybe 70% its true
3. Ask is the thought a cognitive distortion ?
4. Consider some alternative interpretations
5. Look at the evidence calmly
6. Ask yourself again how much you believe the upsetting thought ?
Be clear on how stressed you are
There are various levels of stress its good to try and understand what level one is stressed at
Acute stress is manageable is short term but unless it leaves long term trauma you can manage it
Episodic stress is when your acute stress reoccurs but methods of assertiveness and mindfulness should help
Chronis stress is high level and can cause mental issues which would mean therapy can help with coping
The stress hormone cortisol moderates our stress but if we are under pressure and often have these feelings this hormone can cause our immune system to weaken, increase appetite or reduce IT, lead to high blood pressure and overall effect our physical and mental wellbeing whereby our body struggles to function, which is why really trying to find ways or getting help is key to controlling stress.
When Cortisol levels remain elevated and unchecked a number of health problems may result including poor sleep resulting in poor energy levels and weight gain. When we are feeling stressed we also make poor decisions around health this is when we often turn to food for comfort.This is why finding ways to manage stress are key to a healthy lifestyle -be careful of that emotional eating pattern or triggers to treat yourself ; question why your doing it and change it.
Meditate
Mediation and Mindfullness will emerge as a top ritual to help manage stress so why not try the 21 day mediation challenge or my mindfulness course. Yoga is a practice I combine with mediation and it has helped allow me to focus on my mindfulness presence with slow movement. The work on yourself cultivates a calmer outlook so whatever happens in the outside world you are in control of your inside self and how you react through presence. Take that time for yourself to try a technique to help with breathwork, mindfulness and yoga these are great tools to manage stress in life.
Modern day society has seen increase in stress levels in communities we already know that poverty and certain socio economic factors will effect our stress and health. However affluent society has seen the fast paced lifestyle leads a constant sense of urgency with limited time to relax and often stress and health issues due to this hedonic treadmill. I know we have more opportunities but better standards of living also mean more pressure to reach those goals and buy those things.
What can be done is control and manage our modern life by enjoying and relaxing in ways that are inexpensive and meaningful.
Digital age and stress
A main element of our life is technology and how we interact with it and this constant context switching and not being able to switch off limits your performance , these unhealthy habits often causing long term stress and unhappiness.
Although smartphones have innovated how we are linked to the world it also invaded our time to relax and engage with normal day to day activities. Our access to news minute by minute has also heightened stress levels with regards to the pandemic so its key to limit your time for emotional and mental health.
The younger we are the more social media defines our identity and studies have shown far more negative experiences are formed as a result of it. Why not try and encourage you and your family for a digital detox start small 2 hours in the evening and maybe a walk or a break away with no WIFI you will be surprised how you feel after.
Self Image
Culturally today we have set the bar too high for unreachable standards of how we should look or let me say societies mass media bombarding us with unrealistic images – can often make one feel uncomfortable in our skin.In 2016 the American society of plastic surgeons report 17million cosmetic procedures and that was 5 years ago imagine now how high the number is.
It’s sad to think when having body image issues for my looks or weight I would dream of looking better. Often I would avoid mirrors so I didn’t look at myself and often when younger I felt very much appearance was the most important thing. This only made me feel worse rather than accepting myself as I was. The changes happened in understanding I didn’t have to be perfect or what is perfect? Is it what Vogue says? What is important is staying healthy by exercising to mange weight and loving you as you are. Globally eating disorders amount to 1 in 10 people will have some kind. We need to start reverse stereotyping about what is perfect and really know we are not obliged to resemble air brushed models that we see in the media.
Self love and self confidence is a start x
Love
Attachment theory is a well known concept with regards to relationships and the three main types identified by psychologists are:
Anxious- intimacy is wanted but people often don’t see themselves desirable and are hightented in looking for rejection always anxious something will go wrong.
Dismissive – Commitment phobias are a result of untrustworthiness and often the subconscious fears abandonment which gives out mixed signals when in relationships.
Fearful – Abandonment resulted in difficult relationships
Every relationship does involve accepting nobody is perfect, if we have relationship skills that allow us to know how to ride out the stress together they survive otherwise they apart. Feeling wanted is also important to bring each other together and feel connected.
Its not just romantic relationships, raising children can cause stress and coping includes providing a good balance between giving warmth and setting rules or being supportive, helping your child understand, listen when they talk, don’t overprotect, teach them to handle criticism and make sure there is a healthy lifestyle including sleep, nutrition and less Tech.
Give yourself a Hug or even incorporate some mindfulness and relaxation techniques of mediation breathing deeply often helps relaxation.
Work
Challenging work and pressure to perform is often difficult and can be the main cause for peoples stress levels. If your unsatisfied at work the impact can be huge on your health often people binge on unhealthy food , drink and habits to cope. What is needed is coping tactics like plan targets for day of work,keep track of stress, use mediation or relaxing, find allies you can talk to, get support and try and see the funny side to life to help hold us down. Use the SMART goals to help manage what you do.
Worse, if you are BURNT OUT it can turn into unmanageable stress, when this occurs seek out a doctor to make sure your not going into a danger zone. It may be an unhealthy work culture causing your stress, from bullying to excessive work hours so make changes to prioritise taking care of you and best seek help to get round what the issues are.
Money
Since the pandemic counties are seeing higher rise in unemployment, loss of assets and stress caused by decreased income and debt issues. A good place to start is manage your financial struggle:
Create a plan – Agencies, charities and gov support services are around to assist in debt assistance or overall supporting your needs. Reach out to your local council and community support departments on what can be done.
Budget your expenses – Start tracking your money in and out. Start using cash to see what your spending on.
Look at money saving techniques and what you can cut back on
Creativity
A good tool that encourage mindfulness is being creative even if you are not artistic – studies have shown a marked drop in cortisol levels relaxing the body and mind. These days colouring books for adults have helped with de stress process why not try it. Being creative does not have to be pushed try different things from cooking, drawing, painting anything to relax is a healing tool for the mind.
Pets
You would have noticed the rise on puppies being bought during lockdown but research has shown an animal companion , playing with an animal or even watching animals online (rise of kitten videos) significantly lowers stress levels. Scientific research also showed blood pressure reduction and lower heart rate for pet owners just having contact can improve well being. An Italian study of a nursing home were allowed to play with pets for 90% a week showed depressive symptoms drop by 50%.Only thing to remember is pets are for life not for a short term so maybe visit a friends pet also since getting my cat my levels of sleep have dropped - almost 54% of cat and dog owners reported less sleep.
Loneliness
People can live very solitary lives and not feel lonely while others have rich social lives and still feel lonely. An important way to tackle loneliness is see how one can cultivate positive reactions to it to decrease the loneliness. During the pandemic more people have found themselves lonely and struggle to identify a way to break free. A few suggestions include
Take initiative -get in contact online or a phone call or attend a meetup online
Every day reach out- start one at a time reach out to people gradually
Be optimistic- don’t fear rejection if you preserver you will be connected
Therapy can help but its important you foster resilience and find a way to help your self -to mange stress ensure you find ways to tackle it think about how you can be resilient. Trying to build positivity is not easy every min of the day. Positive emotions make you more resilient and overall reduce stress long term
Not sure where to find therapist
GP Doctor referral
Website searches
Local mental health association
Places of worship
Word of mouth
By no means are these answers in always dealing and resolving stress in today’s complex world our lives are filled with so many challenges as we must continue to find ways to navigate our complex lives. What I have learnt is that we have a choice to how we react maybe it takes training and using your own coping mechanisms, but its up to you to learn how to. We often cannot change our situation, but we must learn to change how we deal and think about it. I honestly think we need to take the TIME out to step back and understand and know what I am feeling and how can I react.
I wish you peace ; Life is short ; so make the most of it and try not to let stress take control , it’s not always easy even if you look at others. It may seem easy to them we are all trying to overcome our own struggles so show kindness and don’t resist let abundance flow.
Summary steps to build Resilience and relieve stress :
Foster relationships to help empower you - reach out online to communities like WISDO
Stay positive
Learn from experiences
Set positive goals
Confront problems head on
Cultivate faith
Love and care for yourself
Try mediation or mindfulness -use Mala beads to assist that state of peace and try the headspace app
CBD oil treatments to help with anxiety -check it out
Lots of stress resolution books start with “The power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle
Yoga for stress ((1) Yoga For Anxiety and Stress - YouTube)
Qi gong for stress ((1) Ziran Qigong for Anxiety and Stress Release - YouTube)
Mindfulness for stress – Try a body scan mediation ((1) 15-minute meditation: Body scan - YouTube_)
Self massage for stress((1) Self-Massage for Tension Headaches - YouTube)
Shinrin-Yoku- Forest Bathing for stress relief ((1) What is Japanese “forest bathing” and how can it improve your health - YouTube)
Message me for free personalised one to one Stress Relief Workshop :
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